Yup, it happens to the best of us (does it though…?) And you need to know that I am in no way, shape or form proud of this. But in all honesty, its fucking hilarious, stupid and who knows, might be helpful one day.
Without further adieu, I present to your the 10 step guide on how to deal with rejection mid BJ.
- Break up with your ex, but somehow think that its a good idea that you both keep fucking on the regs.
Ahhh love in all its atrocities! While a break up with someone you love is hard, so is finding a new dick. Who wants something unfamiliar? Despite finding women a bit more attractive, that dang-a-lang was reliable. It was friendly. It was home.
- Attempt to move on with your life. Get a new place, find some new dick.
There is nothing like a sexy bachelor pad to rev your own engines, washing down leftover Betty crocker icing with Chardonnay for breakfast, and drunk one night stands to say “Hey world, I’ve really got a handle on my life, look at me soar!”
- Collect the rest of your belongings from their place.
Now that you’re a responsible adult who *thinks* they’re emotionally stable, you’re man enough to collect your things from their place, without the supervision of friends. You can trust yourself, right?
- Give yourself one last play with ye olde Ex dick. For old times sake
You cannot trust yourself. Get help.
- Receive some shocking news whilst mid BJ
“What do you mean you’re seeing someone else? You told me that? WHEN!? Oh I was drunk? Surely you know I wouldn’t remember that. If I knew you liked someone else YO DICK WOULDN’T BE IN MY MOUTH HOLE!”*
*It probably still would be. Let’s be real.
6. Consent is key
They said stop, they like someone else and can’t do this. Of course you stop (consent yo!) But you know what I can’t do? Process emotions properly. I need some help with that.
Oh, a bunch of codeine and wine should do the trick.
7. Cause a scene
How many of these pills did you take? How much wine did you drink?
“I don’t know” (I knew)
I’m calling an ambulance
“FUCK YOU” *Steals bottle of wine, runs away to drink it peacefully in an alleyway*
8. Waste their time 2015
Aren’t you feeling lovely right now? That sweet tingling sensation in your finger tips. And that little voice inside your head telling you that you fucked up BIG TIME.
It gets better, somehow you’re in the middle of Aro valley pinned down until an ambulance and the Police come. You’ve caused such a ruckus that people come out of their homes to investigate. A bystander comes to your aid.
You’re embarrassed. You’ve wasted the Paramedics time and the Police. You’ve made the person you were in love with cry and your best friend freak out.
9. GO HOME
You get home as fast as possible. Apologise to your best friend, confess your suicidal demons. Realise that you’re really not doing okay.
Ignore it all by going out with your flatmate on a champagne bender. Have sex with a girl you’ve been hitting it off with on tinder, barely remember it, say you’ll take her on a date (you don’t because you’re a shit cunt).
10. See Ex to apologise
They tell you that you reek of alcohol. You tell them you’ve showered though so its okay.
So there you have it, How to deal with getting rejected mid BJ. It is important to note that this behaviour is in no way healthy and if you are struggling with mental health – talk to someone.
Don’t be a fucking idiot like me.
I am happy to say that all people in this story have remained friends, are happy, healthy and in loving relationships.