How to: Stop being a piece of shit

Hello and welcome to another enlightening piece of the ‘how to’ series.

Now, I bet you’re all wondering – hang on m8 how do YOU know how to stop being a piece of shit?

Well young sweet child of mine (or not really because we all know what happened there am I right?), let me count the ways:

  1. Fuck off to the gym and become on of those people who posts progress pics 

Yeah I fucking did that. What you gonna do about it? Perve at me, that’s what. Enjoy – it is there for your viewing pleasure. Just don’t be creepy by taking a screenshot it and posting it on your Instagram account (true story).


2. Come to accept that your lifestyle of fast-food, alcohol and smoking durries inside isn’t really that productive – so you gotta quit. 

Well, maybe not quit – just in moderation.

This to me is kind of an ideal lifestyle, like if it wasn’t bad for me and make me feel 65% gross and make me smell offensive, Hakuna mother-fucking tata.

But you know what, you know how those really fit people have a cheat meal? Well mine will be a cheat binge. You can do those weekly, right?


3. Find the root of your negativity and extract that bitch

If you’re like me, chances are your life has certain pillars that affect your overall quality of life. Health, Finances, Career, Adventures, Love, Age of Empires – all that shit has gotta be rolling out well for smooth sailing.

So find out what that little niggly negative is, and get your A into G. I did!


4. Complete all of the above, and then let the universe take a giant dump on your chest

Ah, easily my most favourite part. Once you finally feel accomplished, balanced and ready to move forward – don’t forget that somehow, for some reason the universe aligns and destroys all of it for you.

Case in point: Get offered a job, all is good, resign from current job, new job falls through and now you’re jobless.


*hugs self in shower*


So there you have it. Just remember that after the final step, you can choose to either sit and wallow in disco fanny sweat whilst smoking durries in the gutter contemplating whether you really are an alcoholic or pick your tits up off the ground, read up on law and find the best way to turn a disaster into a golden opportunity.





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