No matter where you are or who you are in the world, sooner or later you’re going to come across a certain type of person that you will never forget, not because you care – but because they will forever be etched into your group chats and ‘bad date stories’ plainly for the entertainment of yourself and your friends. Please enter ‘the fuccboi’
Before we begin, urban dictionary (very reliable source) describes the ‘fuccboi’ as below:
A bitch ass basic boy that does stupid shit just to get a reaction out of people. Fucc bois usually think that they are cool or suave, but they are not. They tend to be pussy* ass bitches in most situations.
*Personally I don’t think the word pussy here suits.
So, here are some easy steps and tips for you to either realise you are one of these people, dated one, or if you want to become one.
- Be really romantic and tell someone you’re interested in things like “ur gonna fall in love with me” or “if I was ready 4 a relationship, you would b the perfect gurl/boi 4 that”
The ‘its just not the right time for me’ line never gets old here. Don’t forget to call, text, message, DM, email, post a letter, write it in the stars when they’ve moved on and you decide suddenly ‘it is the right time’.
- Embody that player guy whose life you really admire from that movie you once watched and thought, “yeah that’s what people really want in this world”. Because Hollywood rom coms are a super accurate reflection of the world
Hugh Grant, Matthew Mcconaughey, Twilight people, Scarlett Johansen, that guy from Grey Anatomy who plays a bridesmaid, American frat guys. You know, those characters.
- Play hard to get and make sure the person/s interested in you have cried over you at least once. Then complain that there are ‘no real people’ in this world who can ‘handle you’.
My personal fav experience was when a gentle fuccboi tried really hard to make me cry, to which I said (whilst eating noodle canteen by the fistful) “you can leave or we can have sex” then much to my disdain (because the trying to make me cry wasn’t enough) I realised afterwards that he had the Southern Cross tattooed on his back.
- Make semi regular sexist, racist, homophobic, transphobic comments and mansplain to those offended how these aren’t a big deal or that people are ‘too pc’.
Like that one guy who mansplained “There aren’t any gay guys in the army and they shouldn’t let lesbians into the army because they have to bunk together and all they’ll do is finger-bang each other”. What a charmer, why didn’t I marry that one?
- Have a full mental breakdown because the person you’ve been fucking and harboured feelings for just played you at your own game.
My personal fav, you wanted a ‘cool girl’ right? Well, you never had her. Because she’s a cool girl. And you’re a fuccboi.
*i’mma cool girl, i’mma i’mma cool girl* plays softly in the background whilst you wipe your fuccboi tears away and caress their latest IG selfie.
- Make sure you and your friends all share the same mentality so if, god forbid someone should have a difference in opinion, sense of humour, fashion sense, world view or genitals that differ slightly from your own, you and your squad are ready to set them straight using your extensive wit and intelligent reasoning (tear them apart, boys). Refer to your intimidation posse as ‘the lads’.
Don’t forget to shoulder barge that girl whenever you see her in the club because they didn’t sploosh over your green polo shirt and instead poked some fun at it.
Please refer to your doctor before undertaking any new lifestyle regimes and do not bother contacting me about it, because I am not a (bro)professional.