How to: be a Health Guru

Welcome to the first of my ‘how to’ pieces which teach you how to navigate the cruel, wonderful and mysterious world we live in.

First up, its how to be a health guru.

*Applause*

With the world of social media flourishing, capitalism striving to be the best it can be, exceptional people being ignored for those who are more aligned with meaningless/unobtainable social constructs and standards – I’m sure you’re feeling very at ease with life.

But if you aren’t, here are three steps to become an online health guru with literally no qualifications, skill set or decency for optimum human life because lets be real its all about the $$$$ and the body amirite?

  1. Join a pyramid scheme

Hey now, let’s not be rude. Pyramid or ponzy schemes don’t really exist these days – it’s about a lifestyle change and choice. Its about what is best for your health and your friends health. You gotta be all about that residual income and working from where-ever, whenever – fuck your office 9 to 5!

Also, since the job market is scarce, you’ve got loads of student debt and severe fomo coupled with entitlement, this is the easiest option. Isn’t it?

Shakira-in-Whenever-Wherever-music-video-shakira-30898429-640-480

To find a new lifestyle money squad, check out your local supermarket billboard, lamp post or ask that friend who has been spamming your newsfeed with their amazing new CEO lifestyle.

 

  1. Starve yourself

Right, now that you’ve found your team, its best to really crack into it. Simple analysis has lead researchers to believe that eating next to nothing or just have special shakes will help you get more money faster, because you look better and society (along with your transformation posts of course!!) has told other people they need to look like you or a certain way to be happy, sexy, or just be worthy of life.

Alternatively, you can also chose the following options:

  • Develop a nasty drug habit that suppresses your appetite and bring back ‘heroin chic’ (probably costs about the same)
  • Join myself and many others in what I call the ‘anxiety diet’ where your mental illness somehow stops you from eating and thats cool for some reason.

 

  1. Post regular #inspo quotes

This is the best and my most favourite part. To make sure you feel fulfilled, make sure you have regular inspirational posts throughout your various social media channels, you can use Eleanor Roosevelt, Marilyn Monroe or my personal favourite, Ghandi.

Of course, if you’re not too tired and are feeling creative, feel free to come up with some all on your own. Try think of really ambiguous ones so that people attach their own meaning to it and you look like some kind of god. This will help keep your posse feeling the vibes, because chances are they need the pep talk since the only thing they’ve enjoyed that day was their one vitamin shot.

diamondsbestfriend1

 

There you have it, How to be a health guru. For references, research papers professional health care advice and other things I won’t be able to help you because I’m not qualified.

 

Always check with your doctor before you take any offence to satirical content.

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