If you’re not pro-choice, then this blog isn’t for you. I advise you to stop reading, close the tab to my site and google “why am I such a giant douche lord and how can I become a better person?”.
Abortion is a touchy subject. But it really shouldn’t be. People should always have the right to choose what is best for them. Some of us just aren’t ready for the challenge that being a parent presents.
I am one of those people. While I am in a privileged position (stable income, career prospects, support networks etc) I was not ready to put another human life in front of mine.
Selfish? Not really. As someone with a 2% chance of getting pregnant each cycle (most people my age have a 20-25% chance) this was no light decision. But, it was the right one for me.
I know people who have been through the same thing as me, but we never talked about it in depth. I was pretty fucking terrified, even though I have had multiple surgeries before – this was something that was within my control, unlike endo.
As I was sitting in the special unit waiting for them to call my name, I started freaking out and text my partner (who was sitting right next to me) saying “I am starting to get really scared now” but before he could see it, they called for me and we were taken to our own space to get things underway.
I honestly thought the whole thing was going to be grey, drab and absolutely daunting. Was I going to regret this for the rest of my life? Was my mum going to be sad? What about all my friends who were excited at the idea of a mini jade? Is my partner going to stay with me after this?
A nurse came in and set up my IV, then another one came in with a set of pills; one for anxiety, one pain killer and three little ones. With abortion, you have the medical option and the surgical option. I chose the surgical, as it seemed much quicker.
“Once you take these three, there is no going back, no matter what we have to go through with the procedure”
When the nurse said that to me, I was like “FUCK WHAT DO I DO”. I had a cry and was consoled by my partner who reassured me that whatever I wanted to do, he would support me.
I took a deep breath and took the three little pills.
Soon after, my mum arrived and we all waited for the next step. It didn’t take long for things to kick in, and my uterus felt like it was doing flips, while my ovaries were just their usual pain riddled shit selves.
Everything was going pretty smoothly and I started to really chill out. And then I chilled out a little too much, in mind, body and soul, which resulted in me shitting myself.
Yup, I shat myself at my own abortion.
I couldn’t help but laugh, of course something like this would happen to me at the most inappropriate time. But fuck it was funny, and it propelled me into a comedic mood (probably with the help of the drugs too) which would last the entire day.
You don’t really expect that, to laugh at yourself at a time that is usually connected with sadness and guilt. But I didn’t need those things, because I was doing this for my own happiness and mental well-being.
Next thing I knew, I was being hooked up to local anesthetic and spreading so the doctor could see what I had for breakfast (nothing, because you can’t fucking eat beforehand). A nurse did a great job at distracting me while all the warm fuzzies kicked in. “What do you do, what is ya partner like? Gosh he’s tall isn’t he! Does he play basketball?”
All of a sudden, sharp and intense pains were going all up in my bits, and I let out a whole lot of expletives. “The fuck are you doing mate, jesus fuck that hurts, GOD!”. The nurses could help but laugh, whilst I apologised through my own giggles.
“We’re all done! Just gonna insert an antibiotic into your bottom”
“Sorry? What? That wasn’t in the brochure!”
And before I knew it, I had fingers in my butthole – something I had not expected.
“Shesh, how many times a day do you do that!? I was not prepared. Do you go home each night and say to your partner over dinner, ‘I shoved my fingers up 5 buttholes today!”
Everyone in the room couldn’t help but laugh. Myself included. It was nice to be able to relax and be light-hearted about the situation. I thanked them and said I had a good time, but I hoped I wouldn’t see them again in this situation.
1 minute later, I was wheeled back into my room with my mum and partner waiting. They looked ready to give me a cuddle and you could see the concern on their face.
I looked at them and smiled, “I just had some fingers up my butthole!”
Who shits themselves and then gets fingers right up there? Shit is fucked, right? Poor doctor.
I think everyone was happy that I was able to laugh about the whole thing. I am pretty sure the nurse thought I was a bit inappropriate.
After a big long nap, I was pretty hangry and keen to go home, so we totted off to my favourite indian place in Newtown, followed by an LONG as fuck sleep and some legit spag bol my lovely partner had made me.
While abortion is a controversial topic, you have to do what is right for you. When I was going through mine, I could see anti-abortion protestors from my window and couldn’t help but think how pathetic they looked. No-one could ever make me feel guilty for doing this, after all, it was just a bunch of cells that my body could hardly handle. I mean, if you’re anti abortion, does that mean every time you jizz that you collect your sperm in a jar so they don’t die? Or that every time you have your period, you hold a funeral for the baby that could have been?
No. You don’t.
Everyone has their own experiences and i am not saying that this option is for everyone, it is important that you have a choice. I was lucky enough to have the support that I did, with a wonderful reliable partner and amazing parents to get me through. I want my experience to show that it isn’t scary and doesn’t have to be negative. If it wasn’t for all this happening to me, I would not have been happy like I am now.
Now I am sure of what I want, who I am and where I want to be. It was liberating and set my motivation on fire. Maybe one day, when the time is right and I am ready, I will be a mum. And I’ll be the best parent the universe has ever seen.