As a majority of you will know, I have this great disease called endometriosis.
It’s pretty common, a few people have it in the circles I walk in, and we all experience it differently. For those of you who have no idea what it is (one person once thought it was a fancy name for a bad cold), endometriosis is when the lining of yo uterus grows outside of it. Here is how I best describe how it feels:
“like you’ve just donated all your blood and the energy has also been sucked out of you like you’ve been at the gym all day (although you’ve done absolutely nothing) but still unable to rest or sleep or do anything really, which turns into frustration and stress while your insides also feel like they are on fire, being stabbed or bubbling painfully”
Another thing endo is known for, aside from the pain, is that is makes it much harder to have babies. Last year I had my second surgery for this piece of shit disease and was told I had stage 3 endo, which is pretty bad on the scale of things. Because I hadn’t bothered with proper contraception since 2013, I ruled out the possibility of ever having kids (something I had actually thought was impossible from the age of 18).
So imagine my surprise, when I recently found out that I was pregnant. I mean, I took three freaking tests to make sure. It was all pretty surreal and even my bestie didn’t believe it was true.
We have all imagined what we would do in that situation. We all think we ‘have a plan’. Here is what mine was:
I wouldn’t tell many people, just my close friends and my sister would know right away. If I was single, I wouldn’t tell whoever the baby daddy was. And I could never tell my parents because the option I would take, the only option of course, would be to not keep it.
And I stuck to that for about a day. But after a while, I felt like baby daddy had a right to know. And then when I ended up in hospital later that week, because the doctors were worried about a possible ectopic pregnancy, I decided to tell my parents.
Now, if you’re ever in this situation, let me tell you right now – the people in your life will separate into two categories:
The “this is what I would do” people
The “I am here for you no matter what” people
Everyone will say they are there for you no matter what, because that is the correct thing to say. And everyone is a good person, aren’t they? The difference is, they don’t act like it. This is one situation in your life where you are so incredibly vulnerable, that anyone who treats you badly, even if small – is completely questionable to have as a close friend or base of support.
I went into this thinking I would be very alone, mainly my own fault as I tend to isolate myself more when I have personal problems to sort. Through my weeks of trying to figure out what to do, I found that the people who I could rely on the most – were the ones I had ruled out completely or who I never thought could look after me in the way I needed. Some unexpected people just randomly turned on the support like it was just nothing.
It is surprising who steps up in a crisis and it makes you realise how much of an asshole you were for ever thinking you were on your own. But also how much you don’t trust your own judgement.
People will constantly feed you opinions, which we forget are theirs – and don’t have to be ours. Sometimes they really hurt (like a lot) and you cry to your mum on the phone while eating marshmallows, because you’re not sure if you’re being rational due to all that new HCG floating around in your system.
A lot of people forgot how hard this was for me, because of endometriosis. It wasn’t because of finance, age, marital status, career, travel or anything most people consider because I am pretty solid or don’t care about those things (although I did consider some of them of course).
Statistically, I have a 2% change of conceiving each cycle and this will only get smaller with age. I haven’t been on contraception for 3 years and all of a sudden I could potentially be a mum. I never wanted kids. So what do you do?
Cry. Eat. Bliss. Happiness. Get mad. Tell your body you hate it. Excitement. Eat some more. Change your mind constantly. Create stronger friendships.Forget you’re even pregnant. Spew up. Physical pain. Guilt. Stress. Spew up again. Consider suicide. Fall in love. Hate yourself. Immense happiness. Self doubt. More eating. Buy new bras for your new giant as fuck boobs. Work harder. Set goals. Start sorting your life out. Create a pinterest board. Make up your mind. Change it. Spew some more. Repeat
Once I really had, completely and finally made up my mind, it was solid. All I really want you to know is, while this was a really big deal, it was one of the most positive experiences of my life to date. I’ve learnt so much about myself, the people I love, what I want and need.
I am truly happy. And from now on, I am going to trust that I can make the best decisions for myself, even if other peopled don’t think its right.