You know how you have those days where the universe just decides to hand you a few more awkward situations? The kind that test you in various ways because, and I do strongly believe this at times, that the universe is a sick twisted fuck.
Well, this time it threw me a few curve balls on my day of birth consisting of seeing my ex partner (here come some feelings you’d thought you’d forgotten) and my pants splitting in public – not ideal when you’re a person who usually opts out of wearing underwear.
Fortunately, neither of these events made me feel like curling into the foetal position and hiding under my duvet. I wasn’t embarrassed or ashamed in anyway. Instead, I screamed and laughed internally, because I felt like I was in some Bridget Jones parody.
Half the time my life feels like its in a film, an obscure rom-com that Rebel Wilson and Kirsten Wig should be starring in. The more I experience life, the more and more I feel like some Bridget Jones-esque character.
But sometimes, things aren’t as simple and a series of unfortunate events isn’t always easy to just wipe off. In fact, sometimes the smallest off hand comment can make me go into a whirlwind of anxiety, depression and absolute self-loathing.
I am one of those people who, in their head, constantly steps back and analyses themselves, especially with other people. With each person in my life, I can confidently say I am slightly different around, especially different groups. I remain the same person, but different aspects of my personality are more prominent than others.
Most people get the wild bad side, because that is the easiest and safest form to be in. Everyone likes that person, the gives no fucks, no limits, strong, fierce & intimidating person who seems very sure of themselves.
Other times, you could get the quiet, soft side who will tell you everything about their favourite book or jazz song while they cook you dinner and ask you about what you’re thinking or how you’re feeling.
If you’re an absolute fuck, chances are I never speak to you in full sentences or you know certain facts about me because I’ve manipulated your perception of me on purpose. And I will never do anything for you unless it benefits me in some way.
With all this, there is a side that no-one will ever see, the absolute worst dark side. A side not even my best friend, sister or parents have seen. Only one person and they’re not around anymore. This side is tiring. It never switches off and constantly searches for something to trigger a full downwards spiral.
Contrary to popular opinion, its not always major stuff that can set it off. In fact, nothing can set it off. I believe I am actually rather good in bad situations, because my response to something terrible is actually warranted and I can approach it properly. I am absolutely one of the best people to call, lean on or be around if you’re in trouble. Put me on goddam speed dial, because I will always be there for a homie.
It’s the small things that matter. Say something to me, and it means very little to you, but it could be the thing that stops me sleeping that night. I will worry, obsess and second guess myself. I will make way more effort and go above what is necessary to make sure things are fine with whoever set me off.
Now remember, I am known for giving very little fucks or being ‘sassy’.
So I feel absolutely ridiculous when people say shit that doesn’t mean anything, yet it cuts so deeply into my soul that I start questioning the very essence of my identity.
It makes no sense whatsoever, and it’s made worse when people tell you how to feel or that what you’re experiencing isn’t valid. When I feel confident enough to tell people about these types of things, it’s because I trust you.
I can’t just ‘get over it’ or ‘just stop thinking about it’. I need to talk about it with you so I can make sense of it in my own head. If these things are communicated with you, it means I hold you in high regard, that I am showing you the terrible parts instead of only the good parts.
So when I am feeling alone, isolated and like no-one in the world likes me, at least I know I can call you and chat about the stupid things, but not feel ridiculous. And that way, it won’t get to the absolute worst it could ever go (and we don’t want that).
In a world where everyone is desperate for love and total acceptance, hardly anyone has the tolerance for unconditional love. It always has terms and conditions, which are constantly updated with whatever fits the norm (Nigel didn’t like my IG post, I hate that cunt we aren’t friends anymore!).
It’s stupid. Just love me. And I’ll love you. And we can just big one big ol’ group of loving, happy people. Like a Nicholas Sparks novel, ya feel me?